Control
by LifeIsJustAGame
Summary: Ever since Draco can remember, he's always had to fight his inner demon. Will it get easier when he finally gets something to fight for? Well, here's a front row seat to Draco Malfoy's Innermost Thoughts. Enter if you dare. Sad, angsty Drarry oneshot. Not epilogue compatible.


_**Title:**_ _Control  
__**Fandom:**__ Harry Potter  
__**Rating:**_ _T for slash and upsetting content  
__**Pairing:**__ Draco/Harry, also Harry/Ginny  
__**Words: **__1,805__**  
Warnings: **__Character deaths, grief, angst__  
__**Summary:**_ _Ever since Draco can remember, he's always had to fight his inner demon. Will it get easier when he finally gets something to fight for? Well, here's a front row seat to Draco Malfoy's Innermost Thoughts. Enter if you dare. Sad, angsty Drarry oneshot. Not epilogue compatible. _  
_**Authors note:**__ This is my first Drarry. Just a little idea that popped into my head. Please tell me what you think. The song for this fic is "Monster" by Skillet._

**ANY RECOGNISABLE CHARCATERS/PLOTS ARE NOT MINE. THE REST OF IT IS. Enjoy!xx**

_The secret side of me  
I never let you see  
I keep it caged  
But I can't control it _

The war is over. Years have passed and Draco has been saved from Azkaban. His father hasn't, but it's what he deserves. Narcissa is on house arrest, but at least she's safe. Draco has learned to control himself. His dark side is conquered and he's happy. Well, he tries to convince himself of that, but it isn't really working. He focuses on healing; the one thing in his life that he is genuinely good at, and can be proud of himself for. By the time he is twenty-two he is the wizarding world's top Healer. But as the saying goes; everything comes at a price.

Then somebody is wheeled back into his life on a hospital bed; Harry James Potter.

_So stay away from me  
The beast is ugly  
I feel the rage  
And I just can't hold it_

Draco saves Harry's life. A fatal poisoning; an accident. A life for a life. But that's not really how Draco sees it. He's saving Harry's life because it's his job and also because he wants to; not just because he owes him.

They end up as friends. Funny really; after all those years of fighting, hexing and hurling abuse at each other, all it takes is some maturity and two rounds of Butterbeers for them to realise that they actually have a lot in common. It's awkward at first, but that's to be expected. By the time Harry realised that Draco was worth saving, it was too late; he had been branded and the damage was done. But of course, Harry won't give up; his stupid Gryffindor hero complex won't let him. Draco doesn't mind; at least he has a real friend, and he can keep his dark side covered up while Harry is around. As cheesy as it sounds, Harry brings out a light side in Draco that he thought was long since lost.

But when he's alone? Well, that's a different matter entirely.

It's scratching on the walls  
In the closet, in the halls  
It comes awake  
And I can't control it

Draco tries, he really does. But as the months pass, Harry becomes more and more aware of how damaged Draco really is. Draco thinks his Gryffindor friend will run for the hills, but he is wrong; Harry isn't going to give up, not when he has finally put the past behind him. He's married to the Weaslette now, and that's good. Draco isn't jealous at all. Not one little bit.  
_  
Hiding under the bed  
In my body, in my head  
Why won't somebody come and save me from this?  
Make it end!_

Draco can't do it. He just can't do it. His father dies in Azkaban, and the younger Malfoy can't find it in himself to care. But his mother… Narcissa Malfoy was finally driven mad by the things she had seen, and the things that had happened during the war. Lucius' demise is the final straw. No, he hadn't been a good husband or a good father, but he had tried and Narcissa had loved him with all her heart. Draco tries everything in his power to save her but he can't. When his mother kills herself, Draco almost dies with her. He feels pain like he's never felt before, and he knows that it will never leave him.

He sees less and less of Harry now; the Weaslette has just given birth to their son. Draco can't remember his name. He can't remember if he cares. All he remembers is pain.

_I feel it deep within,  
It's just beneath the skin  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster  
I hate what I've become  
The nightmare's just begun  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster  
I feel like a monster_

Draco's life is starting to go downhill; he can't even find it in him to carry on healing, and that's when his friends start to worry. Well, "friends". Pansy Parkinson is happily married to Blaise Zabini, something _nobody_ saw coming. But that's nice. Goyle is married to a girl he met during the war, and they have beautiful twins that Draco has never met. But that's okay too. Draco is happy for his friends. That doesn't mean that he isn't insanely jealous though.

He doesn't see very much of Harry anymore. The Gryffindor has just had another baby. Draco doesn't even know the gender. He's falling deeper and deeper into the burning flames, but this time even Harry Potter can't save him.

My secret side I keep  
Hid under lock and key  
I keep it caged  
But I can't control it  
Cause if I let him out  
He'll tear me up  
And break me down

Draco can't sleep very well anymore. He has to take a vial of Dreamless Sleep every night otherwise he will lie awake and just stare at the ceiling, wondering why he has the misfortune of being a Malfoy. He used to think that the name was worth it, but now the name means nothing. His useless, snivelling, ass-kissing father is to blame for that one. At least Harry cares. He and the Weaslette split up after their third child was born. Harry has custody and he lives just down the street from Draco. Whenever the kids are with their mother, Harry goes round to Draco's and they do the things they should have done when they were kids; talk, watch T.V, get to know each other. It's only taken them nearly twenty years, but they finally have the friendship that they should have had when they were eleven. Of course, Draco is just Draco when Harry is around. His dark side is hidden. But it's getting harder and harder to control.

_Why won't somebody come and save me from this?  
Make it end!_

Sometimes the façade slips and he finds himself screaming, throwing things, and hexing anything or anyone in sight. It's like it's not him; it's a different Draco, and the real Draco is just watching in horror. Harry just holds the broken boy afterwards. No words, no spells, nothing; just holds him.

I feel it deep within,  
It's just beneath the skin  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster

Draco isn't allowed anywhere near the hospital anymore. He can't be trusted. He's too… "volatile". That hurts.

_I hate what I've become  
The nightmare's just begun  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster  
I feel like a monster_

Draco keeps trying. He tries to keep hold of his sanity and overpower the beast inside him. He moves in with Harry, once they realise that they both want and crave something more than friendship. It makes Draco want to laugh and cry at the same time; all those years wasted when really, they could have just been together. In love. Draco isn't sure if he is capable of love anymore, or if he ever has been in the first place. But if anyone can convince him, it's Harry.

It's hiding in the dark  
It's teeth are razor sharp  
There's no escape for me  
It wants my soul,  
It wants my heart

All three of the Potter children are now at Hogwarts. After almost eight years, Harry is "Daddy" and Draco is "Dad". That makes Draco happy. But Draco is on a downward spiral. Sometimes he is perfectly fine; he and Harry talk, spend time together and make love like a normal couple. But then Draco's nightmares come back, and he knows that it's a sign that the monster is winning. It's fighting its way to the surface and soon Draco won't be able to hold it down any longer.

Harry cries when Draco says things like that. He whispers that Draco will be okay, and that they're going to get help. But after just one session with Draco, all of the best therapists and psychologists in the wizarding world run as fast as they can away from Draco and his thoughts. It turns out that Draco saw more than he should have when the Dark Lord was using Malfoy Manor as a base, and now Draco can't get those images out of his head. Harry is the only one he can talk to because Harry is the only one who understands. But even Harry can't help him anymore.

_No one can hear me scream  
Maybe it's just a dream  
Or maybe it's inside of me  
Stop this monster!_

In his darkest days, Draco wishes that Harry had never come back for him and that he'd just perished in the Room of Requirement all those years ago.

I feel it deep within,  
It's just beneath the skin  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster

Draco's likes to dream. In his dreams he's just a child again. His mother and father are happy, and he is friendly to Harry when they meet for the first time. But then Draco wakes up. He hates it when he wakes up. Why does he have to wake up?

Harry is unhappy. Draco knows it's his fault but he doesn't know how to fix it. They get married, but that doesn't seem to fix it. Harry cries a lot. So does Draco. They just hold each other and cry, consumed by their past and the things they have seen. The saddest thing is that that is when they are closest.

_I hate what I've become  
The nightmare's just begun  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster_

Harry has a monster too. Now that their children are all grown up, they only have to worry about each other. That isn't good. Draco spends a lot of time fighting his monster. So does Harry. They're starting to grow apart.

I feel it deep within,  
It's just beneath the skin  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster

One night, Draco tells Harry that he loves him. He tells the raven haired boy all the things that he loves about him, and tells him how he has always loved him. All the fights were just petty and ridiculous; Draco just wanted Harry's attention, even if it was in a bad way. Harry says that he loves Draco too, and he wishes they'd realised sooner. Draco just smiles and kisses Harry before letting the man drift off into Dreamless Sleep. Then he writes a note.

_I'm gonna lose control  
Here's something radical  
I must confess that I  
Feel like a monster_

Draco can feel it. It's time. The fight is won.

I, I feel like a monster

_Harry,_

_The monster has won. I have fought him for you for over forty years, but now all is lost. Forgive me, my love._

_Forever yours,_

_DM_


End file.
